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Tat For Tits - The Ulitmate Christmas Gift Guide

Football clubs are clever. They’ve tapped into the fact that most of us don't have a clue what our supposedly nearest and dearest actually like and enjoy, let alone those blasted in-laws imposed on us all.

But come Christmas, there’s this bizarre and wholly unreasonable expectation that we should be able to conjure up a satisfactory gift for that sibling that we now see twice a year and whose tastes have changed considerably since the time when chipping in for a year’s subscription to FHM or splashing out on a NOW CD was totally sufficient.

Considering the difficulties buying for actual family members brings, the concept of then being expected to supply gifts for in-laws, people you occasionally know nothing about, is even more batty and doomed to end in nothing but disappointment, awkwardness and bogus smiles of gratitude forced through gritted teeth.

Younger family members’ music and fashion tastes change by the minute whilst the advent of Dave TV means that the previous Christmas banker for your old man, DVD’s of any TV sitcom from the 70’s/80’s, is rendered utterly redundant – the miserable old git’s watched every sodding episode of Porridge and Men Behaving Badly ever created in the last three weeks alone.

So what the hell do you do? What do these people enjoy? What’s the one enduring constant in their life? Their football team, you triumphantly realise!

As a result, in the run up to Christmas the nation is panicked into buying anything with a team crest on or the gurning fizzog of which ever flavour-of-the-month-globetrotting-mercenary happens to be wiping his arse with £50 notes at the club at the time.

Clubs know this though and thus the sheer range of weird tat priced between £2-50 means there’s something to satisfy the gift needs of seemingly any human being.

The fact that whatever the poorly thought through gift is, as long as it bears the shoddily rendered colours of ‘their’ beloved club, allows the generous bearer of the present to be shielded from any criticism by a wafer thin veneer of ‘thoughtfulness’. It’s the perfect crime.

If you think I’m making all this up then peruse the following real items, all available for sale and no doubt f*cking reasonably priced. I cannot overstate just quite how crap some of this stuff is.

Despite the clear lengths most clubs have gone to stitch up the Christmas ‘gift market’ we still think there’s a few items to be created that would really light up someone’s day when they unpack them from under the tree.

How about these?

Cardiff City Verruca Sock

Worried you’re getting too much attention from the all the honeyz down at the swimming pool? Beating them off with a proverbial stick? Render yourself sexually repulsive in an instant with this non perishable rubber verucca sock. Contains a print of Neil Warnock's massive face on the sole and the lyrics to Vincent Tan's favourite Jacko hit ‘Black or White’ around the ankle.

Notts County AFC AK47

Looking to show those boys down the road at The City Ground exactly who’s boss? Do it in style with this branded bullet bastard. Take that Forest-losers!

Steven Fletcher Bald Cap

Looking to make a splash at a fancy dress party this New Year? Get hold of this SWFC branded Steven Fletcher bald cap! Even comes with weird long strands of hair for you to do your own creative Bobby Charltoning with.

WBA Branded Portable Meth Lab

Cash in on 2013's must watch TV smash with this Baggies themed Methamphetamine cooking gear! Mmmm homemade drugs just taste that much moreish.

Sam Allardyce Colander

Like your dinner dryer than it was? Drain pasta, potatoes, rice and huge boil in the bag curries through this stainless steel rendering of Sam Allardyce’s jowly chops.

Walsall FC Snake

Love deadly reptiles but not sure there’s one out there that really speaks to you? Pick up a 6 metre long, Walsall FC branded Burmese python today. Known to kill and consume human children, this powerful gift is fully customisable with club colours. A players name and number (Dan Vann is going like hotcakes atm) can be added to the snake’s back for a small fee. Will require regular live food.

S.S.C Napoli Chunder Bucket

Sick of your bloody team? Looking to see off that 2am kebab in style? Get to grips with this club branded vomit dish. Shout at your shoes, do a Technicolour yawn, gip, barf, talk to Rrrrralph on the big white telephone, fire up a toxic burp – whatever you want to call it, being sick in a club branded receptacle is the classiest way to tell your dinner, and all those millions of pints, to get the hell out of your stomach.

Paul Scholes Fluffy Handcuffs

The ginger prince may have retired but you can let his legacy of laser guided passing and leg breaking tackles live on in the bedroom with this kinky gift.

Have we missed any key items out? Let us know in the comments below.

Pete Starr
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