Satirical, postmodern street artist, Banksy, has finally lifted the shroud of mystery surrounding his true identity by revealing he is, in fact, former footballing humanoid, Michael Owen.
Banksy, known for his biting criticisms of consumerism, war and poverty, often skewered through a lens of contemporary pop culture references, has wowed and intrigued AS level politics students the world over for years now.
The activist's real name had been hotly debated topic with an entire handful of blogs dedicated to unearthing the human behind the radical graffiti artist's public persona.
Footy pundit Owen, the heir apparent to Alan Partridge, has stunned viewers since he hung up his boots with a unique brand of face-melting banality, and this revelation will broadside fans once again.
“I know lots of people might think I’m a bit of a fuddy-duddy. But, the reality is, nothing takes the edge off a hard day of driving classic cars well within the speed limit, counting my vast collection of gold bars and thinking up sensible names for race horses such as ‘Brownie, Blackie and Light Brownie’, quite like travelling to Gaza and criticizing the Israeli regime through the medium of politically motivated graffiti”, warbled the former Stoke City legend in his horrible Cheshire burr.
“Honestly, if, like me, you just don’t enjoy music, films or anything interesting at all, you’ve got to find new ways to unwind.”
It’s not all been plain sailing for the living embodiment of a pair of well fitting navy chinos though. “I must admit, Owen added, it does leave me rather conflicted, I often think about hanging up my paint can for good. Graffiti is illegal and I abhor any kind of law breaking. You know, sometimes, I literally sit thinking to myself, ‘crimes are bad’!
“For example I’m currently looking into suing my neighbour’s 7-year-old boy after I witnessed him brazenly hop over the fence, into another neighbour’s garden, in broad daylight, to retrieve a football that had gone over. Some might call it harsh but there are rules and laws for very good reason. Maybe it might just teach that young man a little lesson.”
In light of the news, Owen's appearance in a range of unspeakably bad whiskey commercials have taken on a new meaning with massive twats everywhere rushing to praise them as subversive, avant-garde masterpieces.