Football News
24/7
Golf For Idiots - Glossary Of Key Terms
Like all self respecting men under the age of 50, I know nothing about and have absolutely zero interest in golf. I do, however, have a passionate love of sports lingo and jargon in all its forms. As a result, I’ve decided to create a glossary of golf terms to help those of you looking to enjoy the Ryder Cup this weekend.
A
Air Shot
Shot missed due to a spectator loudly guffing during a player’s swing.
Albatross
Player’s wingspan when measured from fingertip to fingertip with arms outstretched.
B
Ball Washer
Wet wipes strategically placed around the course for any players suffering from a nasty case of particularly clammy plumbs.
Birdie
Male golf player’s WAG.
Bogey
Opponent spotted on the horizon.
Bunker
Military hideouts that litter courses, many left over from the 2nd World War. Have been known to hide despots.
C
Caddie
Local nuisance and try hard. Golf's equivalent of the guy who turns up to the park on Sunday with his boots ‘just in case’.
Chip
Potato based snack beloved by the likes of John Daly and Colin Montgomerie
Club
Where all the golf dudes hang out after a game and dance to 80’s power ballads.
Club Face
Similar to bass face. Often seen when the guys and gals have a big one at the club (see Club).
Club House
Newer breed of club (see Club). Has eschewed 80 power ballads in favour of playing nothing but Armin Van Buuren.
D
Dogleg
An old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era.
Drive
The trip out to the golf course from a player’s home.
E
Eagle
Nickname for any American Pro.
F
Fairway
The ethos of not cheating in golf.
Fore
Yelled when more beer is needed for you and three chums.
Four-ball
Club antics beloved of Tiger Woods.
G
Gimme
Name given to greedy pricks who don’t share their wine gums on the course.
Green
Secondary colour, made from mixing blue and yellow.
H
Hacker
Internet scoundrel.
Handicap
Ideal for keeping a low sun out a golfer’s eyes.
Hole
A metaphorical pit of despair golfers often find themselves in after particularly a tough round. To be avoided at all costs.
I
Iron
Electronic device used to ensure golfers’ trousers are crease free with a nice seam. Usually deployed when a Corby Trouser Press is not available.
L
Lie
Fib/porkie/tall tale etc.
Links
Cheap deodorant perfect for masking the musk of a long day on the course. Highly arousing in smell.
M
Marker
Man employed to track a rival golfer’s movement at corners and attacking throw ins.
Mulligan
Doleful British acting vole. Not related to golf in any way.
O
Out-of-bounds
Refers to a rival golfers birdie (see Birdie). Liable to be ignored by prolific lotharios like Tiger Woods, Colin Montgomerie etc.
P
Par
A decent first innings score in Test cricket.
Pin
Misspelling of the word ‘pine’.
Pro Shop
Place where you can buy/hire a professional player for the day.
R
Rough
Derogatory description for another player’s birdie (see Birdie ).
S
Sand Wedge
Traditional course snack. Bread with some filling between it.
Senior
Competition format for coffin swervers. Notable for frequent racially insensitive asides and competitor flatulence.
Shank
Cut of lamb.
Slice
A sweetly stuck shot that stays as straight and true as a slice of lemon in a G and T.
Stroke Play
Mucky slang – discretely pleasuring oneself mid-round. Frowned upon by most professional clubs and bodies.
T
Tee
Evening meal for northerners. Know in the south as ‘supper’, ‘supps’ or ‘suppingtons’.
W
Waggle
Group of birdies (see Birdie above).
Wedge
Device used for keeping doors open in the Club House.
Wood
Mucky slang – state of arousal. Possible causes can include sighting of a decent waggle (see Waggle) or indulgence in mid round stroke play (see Stroke Play).
Y
Yips
Hick-ups.
Have we missed out any key golfing terminology? Stick your suggestions and definitions in the comments below. Best one will probably win a Twix.