18 Things I'd Really Like To See This Season: 2017/18

Whilst I'll admit, some of these are pretty unlikely, is it too much to ask for a few of these things? Here's what I'd love to see this season:
  • Gareth Southgate caught in a tabloid sting, selling details of how to avoid library fines to undercover journos, whilst casually charging through an entire yard of Lambrini.
  • Garth Crooks finally fesses up, confirming that he files his infamous Team of the Week feature 80 Bacardi Breezers down on a Sunday evening, barking names and positions at random into a Dictaphone before sending the file off to a work experience lad to turn into something approaching fit for consumption.

  • Inspired by Crooks’ weekly opus, Darron Gibson handed a 5-second segment at the end of each week’s Football League Tonight show entitled Who's Shite?
  • James Milner formally announces his ambition to win back his England U21 place. 
  • Atom and Humber recognised as world class Good Boys and have an official award - Premier League Doggo of The Month – created in their honour.

    A couple of relentlessly well behaved chaps. Image via

  • Yer Da responding to the first player to be retrospectively suspended for simulation with any other sentence than ‘ABOUT BLOODY TIME AND ALL!’
  • In a bid to dispel unfounded rumours that he’s a bit uptight, Leicester fullback Ben Chilwell rebrands himself as Ben Wellchil, changing his name by deed poll, vaping in the dugout and playing all matches in a pair of Top Gun style aviators.
  • Stan Kroenke, recently outed for his passion for lodging bullets in critically injured Lions, does the honourable thing and puts Jack Wilshere out of his misery with a hunting rifle next time he sees the midfielder hobbling through the savannahs of Colney.
  • That this grown man is knocking around St James’ and still making genuinely staggering life choices.
  • Jurgen Klopp accidentally snap Daniel Sturridge clean in two, Mortal Kombat style, during one of his overly vociferous celebrations.

    Falcon PUNCH!

  • Peter Reid, he of eating bananas with his feet fame, returns to the game in some way. I don't care how just get him back in. Reidy’s last gig saw him take charge of Mumbai City in 2014. Despite being blessed with Nicolas Anelka and Freddie Ljungberg, our kid led them to a mighty 7th out of 8 teams, whilst managing in a Union Jack doo-rag throughout.

  • Tom Davies to take six months off to travel south east Asia and release an album of absolutely appalling Newton Faulkner covers.
  • Garry Barry celebrates his all-time Premier League appearances record with a pair of bookings before the hour mark thanks to his time-honoured brand of emotionally detached malevolence.
  • Richard Keys trolls keep up their utterly vital work. I don't know why, but several years on, few things sincerely cheer me more than checking in with Keysey every few months and seeing the barage of crap he still gets under EVERY SINGLE THING HE TWEETS. How many different ways are they to ‘Did you smash it?’ and ‘It was just banter’? Billions, allegedly. Dark forces indeed.
  • Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink gives up the management game once and for all and enters his true calling in life, as a Financial Ombudsman.
  • Bob Mortimer replaces Geoff Shreeves as Sky's man on the touchline. Imagine Jose Mourinho trying to drive an agenda whilst being asked about his specific views on Pearson's Brass Hand Wax, Jordan Henderson having to answer the question "do you steal your chicken dippers from the bins behind Aldi or Lidl?" or Eric Dier trying to roll out inane platitudes whilst being informed of the latest actions of the dastardly Peaky Gooners? If none of this makes sense you need to listen to Athletico Mince. Start at Episode 8, it's the funniest thing vaguely related to football ever produced.
  • Crystal Palace handed 10 point deduction until their shirt sponsors, ManBetX (FFS...), hire a graphic designer who’s not from 2003.

    State of this...

  • Shola Ameobi cast as the first black James Bond. Receives praise from critics for the warmth he brings to the role without resorting to Roger Moore levels of camp humour. Let down by a weak script but overall holds his end up well in a decent enough 007 romp.

Is that too much to ask? Anyway, here's a video of some actual footy to get you excited for this weekend's big Premier League kick off.

Pete Starr
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Image - PA

Just a few personal requests.