BY Pete Starr
Like all self respecting men under the age of 50, I know nothing about and have absolutely zero interest in golf. I do, however, have a passionate love of sports lingo and jargon in all its forms. As a result, I’ve decided to create a glossary of golf terms to help those of you looking to enjoy the Ryder Cup this weekend.
Shot missed due to a spectator loudly guffing during a player’s swing.
Player’s wingspan when measured from fingertip to fingertip with arms outstretched.
Wet wipes strategically placed around the course for any players suffering from a nasty case of particularly clammy plumbs.
Male golf player’s WAG.
Opponent spotted on the horizon.
Military hideouts that litter courses, many left over from the 2nd World War. Have been known to hide despots.
Local nuisance and try hard. Golf's equivalent of the guy who turns up to the park on Sunday with his boots ‘just in case’.
Potato based snack beloved by the likes of John Daly and Colin Montgomerie
Where all the golf dudes hang out after a game and dance to 80’s power ballads.
Similar to bass face. Often seen when the guys and gals have a big one at the club (see Club).
Newer breed of club (see Club). Has eschewed 80 power ballads in favour of playing nothing but Armin Van Buuren.
An old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era.
The trip out to the golf course from a player’s home.
Nickname for any American Pro.
The ethos of not cheating in golf.
Yelled when more beer is needed for you and three chums.
Club antics beloved of Tiger Woods.
Name given to greedy pricks who don’t share their wine gums on the course.
Secondary colour, made from mixing blue and yellow.
Ideal for keeping a low sun out a golfer’s eyes.
A metaphorical pit of despair golfers often find themselves in after particularly a tough round. To be avoided at all costs.
Electronic device used to ensure golfers’ trousers are crease free with a nice seam. Usually deployed when a Corby Trouser Press is not available.
Fib/porkie/tall tale etc.
Cheap deodorant perfect for masking the musk of a long day on the course. Highly arousing in smell.
Man employed to track a rival golfer’s movement at corners and attacking throw ins.
Doleful British acting vole. Not related to golf in any way.
Refers to a rival golfers birdie (see Birdie). Liable to be ignored by prolific lotharios like Tiger Woods, Colin Montgomerie etc.
A decent first innings score in Test cricket.
Misspelling of the word ‘pine’.
Place where you can buy/hire a professional player for the day.
Derogatory description for another player’s birdie (see Birdie ).
Traditional course snack. Bread with some filling between it.
Competition format for coffin swervers. Notable for frequent racially insensitive asides and competitor flatulence.
Cut of lamb.
A sweetly stuck shot that stays as straight and true as a slice of lemon in a G and T.
Mucky slang – discretely pleasuring oneself mid-round. Frowned upon by most professional clubs and bodies.
Evening meal for northerners. Know in the south as ‘supper’, ‘supps’ or ‘suppingtons’.
Group of birdies (see Birdie above).
Device used for keeping doors open in the Club House.
Mucky slang – state of arousal. Possible causes can include sighting of a decent waggle (see Waggle) or indulgence in mid round stroke play (see Stroke Play).
Have we missed out any key golfing terminology? Stick your suggestions and definitions in the comments below. Best one will probably win a Twix.