BY Pete Starr

31 Aug

Golf For Idiots - Glossary Of Key Terms

Like all self respecting men under the age of 50, I know nothing about and have absolutely zero interest in golf. I do, however, have a passionate love of sports lingo and jargon in all its forms. As a result, I’ve decided to create a glossary of golf terms to help those of you looking to enjoy the Ryder Cup this weekend.

A

Air Shot

Shot missed due to a spectator loudly guffing during a player’s swing.

Albatross

Player’s wingspan when measured from fingertip to fingertip with arms outstretched.

B

Ball Washer

Wet wipes strategically placed around the course for any players suffering from a nasty case of particularly clammy plumbs.

Birdie

Male golf player’s WAG.

Bogey

Opponent spotted on the horizon.

Bunker

Military hideouts that litter courses, many left over from the 2nd World War. Have been known to hide despots.

C

Caddie

Local nuisance and try hard. Golf's equivalent of the guy who turns up to the park on Sunday with his boots ‘just in case’.

Chip

Potato based snack beloved by the likes of John Daly and Colin Montgomerie

Club

Where all the golf dudes hang out after a game and dance to 80’s power ballads.

Club Face

Similar to bass face. Often seen when the guys and gals have a big one at the club (see Club).

Club House

Newer breed of club (see Club). Has eschewed 80 power ballads in favour of playing nothing but Armin Van Buuren.

D

Dogleg

An old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era.

Drive

The trip out to the golf course from a player’s home.

E

Eagle

Nickname for any American Pro.

F

Fairway

The ethos of not cheating in golf.

Fore

Yelled when more beer is needed for you and three chums.

Four-ball

Club antics beloved of Tiger Woods.

G

Gimme

Name given to greedy pricks who don’t share their wine gums on the course.

Green

Secondary colour, made from mixing blue and yellow.

H

Hacker

Internet scoundrel.

Handicap

Ideal for keeping a low sun out a golfer’s eyes.

Hole

A metaphorical pit of despair golfers often find themselves in after particularly a tough round. To be avoided at all costs.

I

Iron

Electronic device used to ensure golfers’ trousers are crease free with a nice seam. Usually deployed when a Corby Trouser Press is not available.

L

Lie

Fib/porkie/tall tale etc.

Links

Cheap deodorant perfect for masking the musk of a long day on the course. Highly arousing in smell.

M

Marker

Man employed to track a rival golfer’s movement at corners and attacking throw ins.

Mulligan

Doleful British acting vole. Not related to golf in any way.

O

Out-of-bounds

Refers to a rival golfers birdie (see Birdie). Liable to be ignored by prolific lotharios like Tiger Woods, Colin Montgomerie etc.

P

Par

A decent first innings score in Test cricket.

Pin

Misspelling of the word ‘pine’.

Pro Shop

Place where you can buy/hire a professional player for the day.

R

Rough

Derogatory description for another player’s birdie (see Birdie ).

S

Sand Wedge

Traditional course snack. Bread with some filling between it.

Senior

Competition format for coffin swervers. Notable for frequent racially insensitive asides and competitor flatulence.

Shank

Cut of lamb.

Slice

A sweetly stuck shot that stays as straight and true as a slice of lemon in a G and T.

Stroke Play

Mucky slang – discretely pleasuring oneself mid-round. Frowned upon by most professional clubs and bodies.

T

Tee

Evening meal for northerners. Know in the south as ‘supper’, ‘supps’ or ‘suppingtons’.

W

Waggle

Group of birdies (see Birdie above).

Wedge

Device used for keeping doors open in the Club House.

Wood

Mucky slang – state of arousal. Possible causes can include sighting of a decent waggle (see Waggle) or indulgence in mid round stroke play (see Stroke Play).

Y

Yips

Hick-ups.

Have we missed out any key golfing terminology? Stick your suggestions and definitions in the comments below. Best one will probably win a Twix.

Pete Starr

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