BY Guest

7 Aug

Lawrence Jaksman's 5 Minute PL Predictions

Predicting the premier league final positions from 20th to 1st is a risky business, especially before the transfer window is over.

See last year, for example, when I sagely predicted Southampton would be riding a one-way bus to Trouble Town, only for them to end up in European places after investing wisely towards the end of August. Another reason for this unwise prediction may have been my mental state, but me and my ex Mrs have agreed custody over our Joshua and I’ve almost completely stopped drinking. Anyway, let’s talk predictions. As they say in Bracknell, 'feast your eyes on this lark ya nasty codger!'

20th - Watford

I don't really care. Just glad to have Heurelho Gomes back in the Premier League, he's a different jar of a marmalade altogether.

19th - Norwich

Can see their season playing out a bit like Adam Sandler’s film career.

18th - Newcastle

Hmmm is that a weasel amongst the acorns I see? Yes – that’s right, I’m boldly predicting that Schteve McClaren will be a right load of old cobblers and the new signings won’t click.

17th - Leicester

Can’t see last year’s heroics being repeated but, much like Nigel Pearson when faced by a pack of wild Romanian hounds, will scrape survival (somehow).

16th - West Ham

Already knocked out of Europe before the group stages, looks like a disaster waiting to happen, like the Titanic. Not the film, the four-part TV series written by Julian Fellowes. And the ship.

15th - Bournemouth

My only newly promoted team to stay up but many people’s first prediction for relegation. 'Howe’s that?' I hear you ask. I’m not sure.

14th - West Brom

A typically indifferent season. Think Plastic Bar in Bracknell. Loads of potential but woeful staff and disgusting shitters.

13th - Sunderland

Exactly like West Brom but with a different shirt and located in a different City and completely different.

12th - Aston Villa

With the possible arrival of Adebayor, but with the losses of Delph and Milner, this is a hard one to predict. Expect a very rough patch but a few golden ones (a bit like Surrey in the 80’s).

11th - Crystal Palace

Like my Ford Mondeo I expect a slow start but reliability under heavy weather and good handling especially around Bracknell roundabouts.

10th - Stoke

If anything they should be higher but a large part of me wants to hate these pricks so I’ll keep them down to central territory where they get lost in the scrum.

9th - Southampton

Good manager but with the loss of Alderweireld and Schneiderlin, and the added tax of Europa League football, I can’t see the Saint’s fighting for a European spot for a second consecutive year. Would love to see them do well for my big Saints supporting mate Terry who’s been very ill recently.

8th - Everton

With no Europe to detract from Premier League efforts, I fully expect Everton to be a different beast from last year. If they were a house bot on Robot Wars, they’d be Sergeant Bash. Not exactly Sir Killalot or Cassius Chrome but streets ahead of Matilda and Shunt.

7th - Swansea

He might have a face which looks like a collage of various other faces but Gary Monk’s done a sterling job over in Wales. #faces

6th - Spurs

My beloved Spurs. If you told me last season we would be reliant on Kane, Bentaleb and Mason I would have said 'I suppose that could make sense given the nature of football and time'. Without some much needed additions before the window's over there’s not a chance in France (or England) Spurs can mount a top four charge.

5th - Liverpool

They’re a bit like my Joshua’s Bracknell Under 9’s side. Loads of 7/10 players but no superstars, and, like Sterling’s transfer to City, Nathan 'Judas' Parker has moved to the Guildford Under 9’s.

4th - Manchester United

A few people’s favourite for the title but I just don’t see it. Goalkeeper (assuming De Gea leaves), the defence and attack all need strengthening and, for some reason, they’ve bought more midfielders than a team which has loads of midfielders.

3rd - Manchester City

Cities title hopes down the sink. Again. If you have all the money in the world why not build a team which excites? Also, more effort needs to be put into Champions League. Perennial underachievers on that front.

2nd - Arsenal

Hate to say it but looking more and more the real deal. A very classy squad improved no end with the addition of Cech in goal. Could the handsy custodian go on to haunt his former club? Either way, I'm sure he'll be really personable about his business and you can't put a price on that.

1st - Chelsea

My only doubt is if Costa becomes injured for a sustained period of time. Expect similar antics from last season but with more pressure from teams behind. I’ve ended on quite a sincere, dry note there, a bit like my wench of a mother in law.

Lawrence Jaksman
MatchPint : Like / Follow

Boring SEO copy you don’t need to read: looking for the best pubs for football this season? We're here to sort all that bother for you in a flash. Follow the links at the top of the page, or head this way for pubs showing Premier League, select a fixture, then simply whip your location in to see the nearest boozers screening it.